Kurt Bell

A life of courage, joy and independence.

Holding in the pain – Considering Suicide – LylesBrother

This person’s questions were addressed over a series of video responses. Use the links below to see each video in the series.

First video: “Earning the sympathy of others”

Second video: “Holding in the pain” (this blog post)

Third video: “Touching flowers”

“Dear Kurt, You can share this if you want, just don’t add my name, country and such, please. I’m a — who lost her dad in — of this year. It was so devastating. I never go throughout my day without thinking how he suffered through the — days he was in hospital. Now that he is gone, I am now in a constant battle with depression, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks, mood swings and so many other problems that you could never imagine. I’m — and have —, —, —. I take many meds for all of my issues. I’m so tired of it. I don’t want to hurt myself, mind you, I just want the pain to stop. I have people who support me but it’s not enough to heal the wounds that were left behind when he passed away. He was so sick for the past five years. He knew that one day… He would end up leaving me. And he never told me about it because he knew that I would become upset. It wasn’t until after he died someone told me why he died. He struggled with the — virus, operations on his — his feet were hurting so badly due to arthiritis…. The list goes on and on. There wasn’t a moment where he actually wasn’t sick. Still, he pretended nothing was wrong with him and continued to support me. I feel as though, at times, that I wasn’t being a good daughter to him and I deeply regret not spending more time with him. Now I live with that regret, pain and suffering. And I suffer alone. My own brother doesn’t even talk to me very often. He’s too happy with his own life. He has a —. I feel like I’m just an extra wheel that no one needs or wants. I also have no friends because I’m very scared of opening up to people and trusting them. Its hard. No one tries to talk to me. At all. They just pretend everything is fine, even if it means ignoring me. They all know that I’m taking this very hard yet no one tries to reach out. I tried reaching out to them but they simply ignore me and I have given up on the people I knew and just … I crawl under the blankets and pray that I can join him or that I stop feeling the pain.”


Welcome to the LylesBrother blog. My name is Kurt Bell and I am delighted that you have taken some time to share a little of life with me. If you are someone struggling to find your footing in life then please consider visiting our self-help and support website at http://sonsofgrizzly.com. I’m also available on social media if you have questions or just want to chat and say hi. All links are listed below. I look forward to meeting you on-line. Have a great day!

The Path of WildnessThe Path of Wildness is easy to find
The course of a stream
Leaves blown in the wind
A beast’s track through the brush
And the direction of our first inclination

The Path of Wildness is an answer and response to a prescribed way of life which may leave some individuals with a sense that their living is little more than a series of pre-determined, step-like episodes between birth and death. The stages of living between these events: childhood, adolescence, adulthood, parenthood and senior are themselves natural and in accord with the needs of the species and most individuals. Many find their satisfaction in living this course and to these individuals I have little or nothing to say. Others though long for something more; something innate, genetic and seemingly calling. Adventure and change can give a degree of satisfaction and relief yet even these may seem too tame. To those who feel drawn to something beyond the entertainment and stimulation of senses I offer a walk along The Path of Wildness. Don’t bother penciling the event in your schedule, preparing a pack with goodies and supplies or even inviting a friend along, for this experience is along the course of your first inclination and you must surely always go alone.

The Path of Wildness Resources

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You can also reach me via email at the following address: softypapa@gmail.com


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